Please note this article contains christian language, and you are invited to exchange the words with the God of your understanding.
I recently experienced one of those flaming love affairs that sweep you of your feet and conquer your heart in strong and unforeseen ways. An unusual high and profound wave of emotions in the range from terror to exhilaration fear to the highs of lovers’ joy. It was exhausting, demanding, exciting, tender, adventurous, and in the end, heartbreaking, but this time, it broke me open to deeper love.
For years I’ve been asking my spirit guides about romantic love. It has been the one thing in my experience that I have not been able to understand. I have never “gotten it right” and so this time too. When I fall, I fall hard. I want to put all my love and devotion to my newfound love, and I want to create a world of pink and fluffy flowers around us. I want the world to spin, and I want him to sweep me off my feet. My longing for romance has been so big that it has overshadowed my devotion to God and my spiritual journey. I put my lover in front of the light, I didn’t want to, but sneakily I started to expect him to bring that love to me. Like in the love songs; Be my reason to live… When I had his attention upon me, life felt amazing, and my heart sang. But as soon as his attention went other ways my demons started to feed my mind with their wicked lies of lack of love, telling me: “It’s too good to be true”, “You, don’t deserve a love like this, you – with your background and all your shortcomings, who could love you for real?”, “Romantic love is not real! It’s just struggling. An old dance into closed hearts closed minds, and suffering! Why do you want that?!” “It’s not love you’re feeling; it’s pain! It’s just longing, just an illusion”, “He will let you down, just like the rest of them, you’ll see – you know I’m always right!” And the suspicion crept in and started making the wedge between my lover and me. The ego started its inevitable making of romantic nightmares where lovers suffer and leave each other and communication stops. Where heart closes and pain and heartache rules.
When the heart closed with pain, the chaos of the ego ruled and the “battlefield” of romantic love opened, the ego twisted and turned and made its stories and I, in my bewildered confusion believed in its wickedness. I roamed through my past, finding evidence only of pain and suffering in love, and my heart crashed and burned. In this pain, I wanted to tear my lover from my heart. I want to erase our story because my pain was so great, and I could not help myself from acting out. Nowhere near as hard as I have before, but still, I wanted him to hurt because I couldn’t stand feeling my own pain and confusion. I’m sorry, my love.
The saying “All is good in love and war” is a familiar phrase to me, I’ve been harboring my pain and sorrows like a treasure. But not this time! This time I allowed my heart to truly break and seek help from my friends. I allowed myself to be seen in my pain, to expose my sorrow, my longing, and my heart in safe surroundings with people who understand and love me. Who does not buy into my victim story, who does not judge my lover or me for shortcomings but understand that what I’m battling is my own demons, and this has nothing to do with him. He is just the vessel that brings the answer to my years of questioning from my spirit guides. He is the Angel that God sent to split my heart open in this deep way so that wound could surface and heal. Thank you, my love, for playing this important role in my story, you are truly a blessing to me.
The storm raged in me for more than a week, full on tears and rage. Not towards my lover, but all men. Towards the way that I have cast my brothers in my human storyline. The role that I have given you because I was not ready to accept your love and the role that I have given my self because I was fighting love off. I used you as my evidence that I was not deserving of love.
The thing with pain is that it always brings me to my knees. It turns me to God every time. It’s just a question of when. When I put my lover in front of God, I turn to romantic dreams as prayers instead of my daily conversations with The Holy Spirit. I switch romantic love for my true source, and since it’s not the source, it will inevitably run dry. The blessed thing is that The Holy Spirit never turns it’s back, and the true source of love never runs dry. It does not condemn me or ask me, “Where have you been?!” The moment I call in prayer, it simply answers, “Welcome home, beloved one.” From this point, love can reach me once again, and the intelligent conversation can start. I can rage at God and ask my question, “Why?! Why do you show me this beauty if it’s not for me?”, “What kind of God are you? Dangling the carrot in front of me but always just a little out of my reach?” But I know: This is not God! This is not love! Something must be wrong. I must have it wrong somehow. I must; once more, have mixed up the will of God and the will of the ego because God knows only love. And The Holy Spirit lovingly guides me home.
A Course in Miracles lesson nr 323 states: “I gladly make the ‘sacrifice’ of fear.” And the lesson states that the ONLY sacrifice I’m asked to make is the sacrifice of fear, everything else is given freely to the children of God. So also, romantic love. Romance, deep commitment, companionship, and true love is an expression of The Holy Spirit in my life. It expresses through the body of another but is not to be confused with the body of the other. Therefore I say: Come closer, my love, so that I can see the Christ in you…
A Course in Miracles also states; Seek first The Kingdom of Heaven and all else will follow. It explains The Kingdom of Haven as a state that can be found inside of us when we turn to The Holy Spirit as our teacher. The Holy Spirit is our guide to our true self and wills only for our happiness. I give my longing for romantic love and deep commitment to The Holy Spirit. All my own makings have been in vain, and I understand that the ego can’t love, only my spirit can.
And, to you my love: I don’t know where you are, but I know who you are and I will recognize you when I see you. I feel your spirit with me, and I feel your deep heart. You have showed your self to me many times in my life, through many different bodies. I have, in my insanity, sent you on your way, but I know you have never stopped reaching for me as I have never stopped reaching for you and I can feel you coming closer. I’m not going to hold you to a particular human form but allow you to come as you are to me, my heart is ready.
For the interested reader, I suggest studying A Course in Miracles and learning the difference between the special relationship and the holy relationship.
– Ingunn Tennbakk,
Holistic Sexology and Awaken your Big SHE